Becoming the woman that I would want to date.

My preparation for calling in a partner.

I have been reflecting a lot, lately, on what it is that I truly desire in partnership.

After the closing of my recent connection, which I thought was going to be a long term relationship, but which ended up only being a 3 month journey, I have a lot of questions circulating around in my mind.

Letting someone in close to me, I realised that my visions of what I desired in a partner, may have been illusionary.

Husband… father…. A sweet little family.

The reality? I am so driven and entrepreneurial that I really don’t know if I want more children. I don’t even know if I want to live with a partner (ever?)

All of this, came crumbling down, when my most recent partner moved from Germany to live with me in Australia.

I spent a whole month in a freeze response. I couldn’t feel or hear my heart, at all. All of my enmeshment wounds from early childhood creeped in. I couldn’t let him in.

Now, I could have just labelled this an “avoidant attachment” response. And sure, it was that. But, there was also some intelligence in this response.

1. Those with more avoidant attachment patterns, like myself, need slow, titrated experiences of closeness. Going all in, too quickly, will absolutely send them into disarray . This was a friendly reminder for myself.

2. Those that are avoidant, often do actually just need more space. In all honesty, I could never share the same bedroom as a partner. I am questioning whether I can even share the same house (let’s see how I go with that… I am doing somatic therapy and working with my avoidant attachment patterns at the moment).

As I unravel this freeze pattern in my nervous system, that I have been experiencing over the last couple of months, I am asking myself many questions, about what I truly desire in partnership.

I am clear that I am wanting a partnership in the near future.

I am just not really sure WHAT that looks like.

And so my work right now, is coming more deeply into connection with MYSELF.

I have given myself until the end of February (I want to write my next book in this time) to really deepen my connection with myself and start really choosing myself and the vision that I want to create, for a partner.

This involves me also becoming the woman that I would want to be in partnership with.

Often, we want a partner to solve or fix the parts of us, that we don’t want to have to look at. We think partnership will mean that it will all go away; that love will solve everything.

WRONG.

Love brings everything that you’re not looking at to the surface to be noticed, loved and healed.

My last connection bought everything I was burying to the surface, and quickly. It was too much for me to cope with, on top of business and motherhood.

I am spending so much time, at the moment, pulling my energy back into my centre.

Ive started going to the gym again this week. I am resting more. Writing more. I am doing everything I can to come home to myself and to connect more deeply with my bodily desires.

I have realised that having a vision in my mind, doesn’t work.

My body is the guide.

If a vision does not land somatically all the way through my body, it is not ripe. Or it is not right. This is where I have gone wrong, lately. Aiming for visions that I could see, but not feel. The safety & readiness for the vision was not there (yet) and I moved on it too quickly, with little disregard for the logistics.

They say that you should just take a leap of faith and love.

To some degree, that is true.

But I have also learned the power of planning. The power in the details.

And so I am taking time to deepen into the details.

Every. Little. Thing.

My mum manifested her husband, by writing a list. She listed every little desire that she had, down to the shoes that he wore. And she attracted her exact match- shoes and all.

There is a voice that sais “don’t be too specific, it leaves no room for magic”

And yet, being too open and just moving with love, without the details, has not worked for me in my past connections.

So, here it goes… this next few months I will be designing my partner.

I will also be working on becoming the woman that I would desire to be in relationship with - so that I am ready to receive my partner, when he arrives, this time.

Watch this space for updates.

Sigourney x