Catharsis
When the body revolts; repressed instinct emerges
The past few weeks have been interesting for me. And by interesting, I mean, deeply challenging and illuminating — but, the kind of challenging that lives in the body and rears itself as anxiety, sleeplessness, irritability, with very little awareness of the actual causation of what’s happening.
Ever since Uranus finished it’s final cycle in Taurus and moved into Gemini, my body has been going into states of morphic shock — tremor, anxiety, restlessness, sleeplessness.
Normally when this happens, I drink some skullcap tea, have some milky oats — I really amp up my nervous system care. And I have been doing that. But, nothing has really been “working” which tells me… it’s something deeper.
During a somatic experiencing session, a couple of weeks ago, I descended into the feeling and I located it — it lived in my womb, my pelvis, my deep belly and my root.
It didn’t have much to say, per se; but a vision did arise when I allowed myself to be with the sensations. A snake arose through my spine and came and looked at me right in the eyes. It’s eyes were yellow. And when it looked at me, the tremoring stopped. My body rested.
I looked up the meaning of yellow eyed snakes — instinct. When a yellow eyed snake arises, your body is likely sensing something instinctual, that you don’t yet have language for. And that felt… right.
Four days after the sleeplessness, I got a phone call. It was from the man I had been seeing for some months— he called, telling me he had not slept for a few nights (the same amount of nights I had not slept for) and needed to talk.
He told me he could no longer have an intimate relationship with me — that feelings were developing (both sides) and it wasn’t fair to continute if we were not holding the vision of long term relationship. I agreed.
After the call, something in me sank and relaxed. My body eased a little. But part of me was still unsettled, unrested. I let myself integrate.
We were meant to catch up to say goodbye before I left (I leave in two days), but he never answered my call.
Yesterday, I had the instinct to drive past a certain shop, to get lunch. I dropped my sister off there — I had to duck home to give my mum the keys to get in the house.
My sister messaged me “ahhh, he’s here — but with another girl”
My belly sank. Rage started surging through my body. Every story imaginable ran through my mind.
As I drove back to pick my sister up, I messaged him “can you just be honest with me — if you’re seeing someone else, please let me know”.
He had told me he had no capacity to see anyone else… and didn’t want to.
Interestingly, a month beforehand, I had a flash of another woman in my vision, and I dismissed it.
But my instinctual animal body was showing me not to ignore it.
And with no message response from him, it is clear that I have the information now.
After a full night of body catharsis — shaking, rage, grief — soothed with some homeopathic remedies to allow me to stay centred within it all, I now feel like I’ve returned back to myself… my body rested.
Our instincts are not just “trauma responses” — they are our deepest knowing, beyond the minds interpretation of reality. My body knew, my reality just had to catch up.
Sigourney x
Hey, I hope you’re doing okay since experiencing this.. 💌 I imagine you may not have had alot of space to grieve this while mothering, which would’ve been hard.
It really hurts when you truly love someone and it just doesn’t align ❤️🩹😮💨 especially when a new person comes on the scene and adds to the grief.
I’m currently out on my friend’s farm in Northampton healing from a similar experience that came to be revealed on Monday 4th May..
I’m grateful for the open space out here to feel rage, grief and cry the depths of my being out into the land. Just getting through the swampiest, grittiest parts of it now coming out the other end. Slowly rising again.
I moved interstate to be with my twin flame, we spent an entire year together and broke up about a month ago. Towards the end of our relationship when things were breaking down between us my vagina literally wouldn’t let him in anymore, it was acutely painful if he tried to enter.. this went on for weeks.. months even.. my mind was keen yet my body just would not follow.
My instinctual animal body was showing me something I didn’t yet have a name for. Cause you know, you still love them even when the relationship is descending into its bitter end. I still wanted to be close.
Once we broke up, whilst staying at my friend’s house I kept having dreams that him and his ex were together which I just brushed off as my brain playing out my worst fears and feeding them to me in my nightmares. They recurred. He would say horrible things about me and they would laugh about me and have sex behind my back. Simoltaneously my soul would bless their love in the astral and be happy for them moving on together.. like it was preparing me for something.
On my way to the airport to move back to WA just 2 weeks after we’d broken up I had intuition to drive past our place and energetically say goodbye, even though I’d been avoiding that area previously. Lo and behold her van was parked up at 7am and have since confirmed verbally that they’ve been sleeping together.
At the airport I could barely stand up but I held myself up and suppressed the grief into my body just to get home. Survival mode. I had let her into our home as his ‘friend’ the entire relationship, with full open trust to have her in our house, to message and have phone calls while I was with him.
Turns out they abused that liberty to lay their groundwork while him and I were still together and fucked the minute I was out of sight. Well.. I still don’t know how early on it really started. Sickening reflections. He just cannot be alone. There must be another in line already waiting before his heart shatters, before he hits the bottom.
I held the tension of betrayal and disgrace in my shoulders for 72 hours all the way through Perth until I got to Geraldton.. storing it there until I had a safe place to collapse. Yet still so glad I drove past that day and confirmed my innate wisdom.
Another sister of mine also recently found out a guy she was seeing was fucking other women and literally just lying to her face about it when she asked. It’s all coming out of the woodwork these last few weeks.
These men just cannot be alone. Back to back women. They need a constant milk supply from their next mother to survive.
My body knew I was in a snake pit, my reality just had to catch up.
Thankyou for sharing your story, we are not alone.