I have been loving an avoidant for about 5 years and it has been one of the greatest edges I have endeavored. I find the more secure I become the more ease there is in our connection, the more he shows up. This is a deeply sensitive man who is actually, in person, a very good communicator—and he is a trucker, a farmer, and a single dad. His plate is always full. As mine became fuller (taking care of my grandkids) our connection has gotten easier. The thing I have learned is that it is all about how we manage capacity and overwhelm: I used to spew and unload and he would disappear. I now hold myself much more and he stays. Too much feeling feels like a threat to him, but I have also learned that the way I used to process and cathart was not actually healthy for me, either. I choose to stand my ground, to be the one to initiate most, to have learned to how to manage my own anxiety better and for it I have cultivated a beautiful, deep, and supportive friendship with an amazing lover. Not for everyone for sure, but this has been the way for me and I know I will never abandon myself again.
Ooof. What stands out to me here is: the attempt to meet someone on their terms, with compassion and acceptance. The willingness to tolerate ambiguity, silence, delays not from fear or martyrdom, but from a place of self‑respect and maturity. That’s hard. That’s brave.
I love this, Sig!! Was looking forward to reading it..
My bestie here in Tassie (who moved here with me a year ago) can be quite avoidant but the thing that makes this easier on me is that she has the capacity to own that - she also leans in and nourishes me a lot, apologies for checking out, validates me and loves me in heaps of tangible ways that I want to be loved. Sometimes I gotta give her more space, and I miss her, but it feels softer to me than when others check out and I know it feeds our connection in some ways. I guess our connection is valuable and strong enough to hold that. It’s so not black and white hey.. and insecurity still arises in healthy/aligned connections but I guess compatibility is when there is a level of safety and care at the same time, too. Ya xx thank you!
I really enjoyed hearing your perspective, and love how openly you talk about this. I have an anxious attachment style and often attract avoidants. I'm gradually learning to make it less about me, but it's been quite a journey to get there.
I have been loving an avoidant for about 5 years and it has been one of the greatest edges I have endeavored. I find the more secure I become the more ease there is in our connection, the more he shows up. This is a deeply sensitive man who is actually, in person, a very good communicator—and he is a trucker, a farmer, and a single dad. His plate is always full. As mine became fuller (taking care of my grandkids) our connection has gotten easier. The thing I have learned is that it is all about how we manage capacity and overwhelm: I used to spew and unload and he would disappear. I now hold myself much more and he stays. Too much feeling feels like a threat to him, but I have also learned that the way I used to process and cathart was not actually healthy for me, either. I choose to stand my ground, to be the one to initiate most, to have learned to how to manage my own anxiety better and for it I have cultivated a beautiful, deep, and supportive friendship with an amazing lover. Not for everyone for sure, but this has been the way for me and I know I will never abandon myself again.
sounds very parallel to my journey 😘
Ooof. What stands out to me here is: the attempt to meet someone on their terms, with compassion and acceptance. The willingness to tolerate ambiguity, silence, delays not from fear or martyrdom, but from a place of self‑respect and maturity. That’s hard. That’s brave.
If you write more on this, I’ll be reading.
I love this, Sig!! Was looking forward to reading it..
My bestie here in Tassie (who moved here with me a year ago) can be quite avoidant but the thing that makes this easier on me is that she has the capacity to own that - she also leans in and nourishes me a lot, apologies for checking out, validates me and loves me in heaps of tangible ways that I want to be loved. Sometimes I gotta give her more space, and I miss her, but it feels softer to me than when others check out and I know it feeds our connection in some ways. I guess our connection is valuable and strong enough to hold that. It’s so not black and white hey.. and insecurity still arises in healthy/aligned connections but I guess compatibility is when there is a level of safety and care at the same time, too. Ya xx thank you!
I really enjoyed hearing your perspective, and love how openly you talk about this. I have an anxious attachment style and often attract avoidants. I'm gradually learning to make it less about me, but it's been quite a journey to get there.
Great content, thanks a lot for sharing! Take a look on my latest post https://substack.com/home/post/p-180482264?source=queue 🤗
It deeply fascinates me how all of us find paths in love that sabotage the very thing we actually desire.
there is finally a breaking point. https://afterthediscarded.substack.com/p/after-i-finally-walked-away-when?r=6km1tv
I stop self abandoning - nailed it.