I have been loving an avoidant for about 5 years and it has been one of the greatest edges I have endeavored. I find the more secure I become the more ease there is in our connection, the more he shows up. This is a deeply sensitive man who is actually, in person, a very good communicator—and he is a trucker, a farmer, and a single dad. His plate is always full. As mine became fuller (taking care of my grandkids) our connection has gotten easier. The thing I have learned is that it is all about how we manage capacity and overwhelm: I used to spew and unload and he would disappear. I now hold myself much more and he stays. Too much feeling feels like a threat to him, but I have also learned that the way I used to process and cathart was not actually healthy for me, either. I choose to stand my ground, to be the one to initiate most, to have learned to how to manage my own anxiety better and for it I have cultivated a beautiful, deep, and supportive friendship with an amazing lover. Not for everyone for sure, but this has been the way for me and I know I will never abandon myself again.
Ooof. What stands out to me here is: the attempt to meet someone on their terms, with compassion and acceptance. The willingness to tolerate ambiguity, silence, delays not from fear or martyrdom, but from a place of self‑respect and maturity. That’s hard. That’s brave.
I love this, Sig!! Was looking forward to reading it..
My bestie here in Tassie (who moved here with me a year ago) can be quite avoidant but the thing that makes this easier on me is that she has the capacity to own that - she also leans in and nourishes me a lot, apologies for checking out, validates me and loves me in heaps of tangible ways that I want to be loved. Sometimes I gotta give her more space, and I miss her, but it feels softer to me than when others check out and I know it feeds our connection in some ways. I guess our connection is valuable and strong enough to hold that. It’s so not black and white hey.. and insecurity still arises in healthy/aligned connections but I guess compatibility is when there is a level of safety and care at the same time, too. Ya xx thank you!
I really enjoyed hearing your perspective, and love how openly you talk about this. I have an anxious attachment style and often attract avoidants. I'm gradually learning to make it less about me, but it's been quite a journey to get there.
I have been loving an avoidant for about 5 years and it has been one of the greatest edges I have endeavored. I find the more secure I become the more ease there is in our connection, the more he shows up. This is a deeply sensitive man who is actually, in person, a very good communicator—and he is a trucker, a farmer, and a single dad. His plate is always full. As mine became fuller (taking care of my grandkids) our connection has gotten easier. The thing I have learned is that it is all about how we manage capacity and overwhelm: I used to spew and unload and he would disappear. I now hold myself much more and he stays. Too much feeling feels like a threat to him, but I have also learned that the way I used to process and cathart was not actually healthy for me, either. I choose to stand my ground, to be the one to initiate most, to have learned to how to manage my own anxiety better and for it I have cultivated a beautiful, deep, and supportive friendship with an amazing lover. Not for everyone for sure, but this has been the way for me and I know I will never abandon myself again.
sounds very parallel to my journey 😘
Ooof. What stands out to me here is: the attempt to meet someone on their terms, with compassion and acceptance. The willingness to tolerate ambiguity, silence, delays not from fear or martyrdom, but from a place of self‑respect and maturity. That’s hard. That’s brave.
If you write more on this, I’ll be reading.
I love this, Sig!! Was looking forward to reading it..
My bestie here in Tassie (who moved here with me a year ago) can be quite avoidant but the thing that makes this easier on me is that she has the capacity to own that - she also leans in and nourishes me a lot, apologies for checking out, validates me and loves me in heaps of tangible ways that I want to be loved. Sometimes I gotta give her more space, and I miss her, but it feels softer to me than when others check out and I know it feeds our connection in some ways. I guess our connection is valuable and strong enough to hold that. It’s so not black and white hey.. and insecurity still arises in healthy/aligned connections but I guess compatibility is when there is a level of safety and care at the same time, too. Ya xx thank you!
It deeply fascinates me how all of us find paths in love that sabotage the very thing we actually desire.
I really enjoyed hearing your perspective, and love how openly you talk about this. I have an anxious attachment style and often attract avoidants. I'm gradually learning to make it less about me, but it's been quite a journey to get there.
Great content, thanks a lot for sharing! Take a look on my latest post https://substack.com/home/post/p-180482264?source=queue 🤗