Narcissism and "the special" wound
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Big love,
SB x
First of all, I feel to start off by sharing that I share about these dynamics, because of my love of pattern tracking psychological traits. I share about them, as I am digesting them, through my own relationships and connections. This writings are not me analysing something far off — they are my personal unpackings and lenses, unique to my experiences.
With all of that being said, let’s get started.
This article was inspired by a video I watched two days ago, which was speaking about Men and The Shame Wound, and how the deeper the shame, the stronger the polarisation into ego structure.
Ie. the more we associate with a voice that tells us we are unworthy, often the stronger the personality structure that is built, to prove that worth.
This morning, I took that musing a level deeper. I was reflecting on a few behaviours I have noticed in people close to me recently… namely, the desire to be “special”.
I thought about it… special…
Normally when we reenact something so strongly, it is because it has been compartmentalised somewhere within us… or demonised. Essentially, we have told ourselves we cannot have the thing that we so deeply desire or want, and so the ego structure tries to draw at it and create it in any way that it can.
I was thinking about narcissism and how often underneath this personality trait, is a desire to be special. When diving into this pattern, I saw a small child, so desperate for attention from their parents, and not receiving it.
The desire to be loved, to be made to feel special, was met with absence.
And that sense of absence doesn’t disappear — it just gets louder later in life. The adult who needs to be the smartest person in the room, the most spiritually advanced, the most uniquely wounded, the most talented — that adult is often still standing in a kitchen doorway at six years old, waiting for someone to look up.
This compensation is often very specific later in life. A child who was told, directly or through neglect, that their intelligence was inconvenient will often grow an adult identity fused entirely to being the smart one. A child whose sensitivity was treated as too much will often grow an adult who needs to be recognised as the most attuned, the most spiritually gifted, the deepest feeler in every room. The shape of the wound predicts the shape of the armour. We don't perform randomly — we perform the exact opposite of what we were denied.
This is where I think the shame-wound video and this morning's musing meet. Shame says you are not enough as you are. The ego structure responds by manufacturing a version of "enough" so loud it can't be questioned. Specialness, in this reading, isn't vanity. It's architecture built over a hole.
The remedy?
Remind your children of their importance to you.
Treat them as a blessing. Remind them that they are a gift.
This week, as I tucked Caerulea into bed, I said to her: “do you know how special you are to me? How much you mean to me"?”
She said: “really?”
I said, “yes, I am so incredibly lucky to have you”
She replied with: “thankyou, I am lucky to have you too.”
These words take only a minute, and can change the entire psychological infrastructure and patterning of your childs self image and reflection.
Big love,
SB x
Ps. for more of my musings on Motherhood, you can purchase my recent published book The MotherWild Revolution here.
