I feel like this extends to beyond personal relationships into society and possibly even the environment too. Some people disociate completely as a coping mechanism but sensitive people pick this up and can become overwhelmed.
Is this comment private? I’m not super fluent in substack and wondering what is kept for paid-only members.
Anyhoo, my comment is…
I remember you saying something about this in the SA training, but in the context of facilitation. And it was a huge lightbulb for me. I appreciate you writing this in the context of personal relationships.
I have a question about this—when I look at the relationship dynamics I’ve been in, I have a hard time sorting through how this fits because it seems not as simple as what you describe and I’m not challenging what you’re writing but actually wanting help sorting through what my experience might be.
I’ll try to articulate it here.
I definitely like, 99% have the most sensitive nervous system and so am often processing repressed, or shadow stuff of others (including collective relational fields). Being a scorpio doesn’t help.
But what I realize is that there are also some aspects of feeling where I have been deeply compartmentalized… probably from my own CPTSD and autism that I am now unpacking.
But what’s confusing is that my inner world has been deeply feeling, but what others perceived sometimes was that I was not (in the way people expected).
My ex would always say I was conflict avoidant and uncomfortable around her big emotions (and that is probably a lot related to my own trauma), but a lot of it had to do with… I think picking up on it feeling like, I was picking up on the distortion and it’s not that emotions make me uncomfortable, it’s that distorted emotions make me uncomfortable. I’m VERY sensitive to projection.
So she “appeared” to be emotionally expressive, but it actually felt like “pressure release” of what was actually repressed emotions… and it would lead to big fights where I was holding it together (and she was calm) but then I was the one having the eventual big meltdowns (because any time I tried to have healthy boundaries it lead to being accused of emotional avoidance).
So I guess what I’m getting at is, I have a hard time sorting out my own experience of these kinds of dynamics where what is expressed outwardly can be actually paradoxical to what is going on in the shadow. Like someone “appearing” to be emotionally expressive might actually still be emotionally repressed.
I still have a hard time knowing what’s true for me in that respect, just in terms of my own relationship with myself—not that the layers are being peeled back.
Do you have any thoughts or perspectives on what I just verbal diarrheaed?
my experience is that when we are conflict avoidant - we can make assumptions more easily about others emotions being “projections” etc - and it’s a really clever way of avoiding leaning into curiosity… I have this program myself
Yeah, I get that—I have only recently been able to actually start discerning what could be projection and what probably isn’t. Most of what we perceive is projection, though, so maybe that isn’t even the most important thing to focus on, I’m wondering.
My default before, however, was actually to take responsibility for much more than I was reasonably responsible for and assume the other person was always right, but that also created a different type of avoidance—or low capacity for messy conflict, anyway—because I wasn’t staying with myself… and my body and system therefore always feeling unsafe (being in a near constant state of self abandonment).
But what I’m realizing, from the reflection that your reply prompted in me—is that regardless of whether someone is projecting or not (and whether I am “right” or not about being able to discern if someone is projecting, or not), it doesn’t actually help relationally to focus on whether someone is projecting or not.
What matters most, is to start first with being in right relationship with myself—which allows me to approach the relationship with curiosity, as you pointed to being the important thing.
This is something I still struggle with still—staying in my own center and staying radically honest with myself, without becoming self abusive.
It is the most important thing I can work on right now that will help me in relating to others, because I can’t remain open—with boundaries—if I am starting from a position of self abandonment. Regardless of whether someone is projecting or not. And then I don’t have to discern or “know” whether someone is, or not.
So thanks for the comment, it actually helped me come back to remembering what is important, which allows me to see through the confusion I had.
I feel like this extends to beyond personal relationships into society and possibly even the environment too. Some people disociate completely as a coping mechanism but sensitive people pick this up and can become overwhelmed.
Totally
OMG this is gold! Thank you
You’re welcome 🥰
Is this comment private? I’m not super fluent in substack and wondering what is kept for paid-only members.
Anyhoo, my comment is…
I remember you saying something about this in the SA training, but in the context of facilitation. And it was a huge lightbulb for me. I appreciate you writing this in the context of personal relationships.
I have a question about this—when I look at the relationship dynamics I’ve been in, I have a hard time sorting through how this fits because it seems not as simple as what you describe and I’m not challenging what you’re writing but actually wanting help sorting through what my experience might be.
I’ll try to articulate it here.
I definitely like, 99% have the most sensitive nervous system and so am often processing repressed, or shadow stuff of others (including collective relational fields). Being a scorpio doesn’t help.
But what I realize is that there are also some aspects of feeling where I have been deeply compartmentalized… probably from my own CPTSD and autism that I am now unpacking.
But what’s confusing is that my inner world has been deeply feeling, but what others perceived sometimes was that I was not (in the way people expected).
My ex would always say I was conflict avoidant and uncomfortable around her big emotions (and that is probably a lot related to my own trauma), but a lot of it had to do with… I think picking up on it feeling like, I was picking up on the distortion and it’s not that emotions make me uncomfortable, it’s that distorted emotions make me uncomfortable. I’m VERY sensitive to projection.
So she “appeared” to be emotionally expressive, but it actually felt like “pressure release” of what was actually repressed emotions… and it would lead to big fights where I was holding it together (and she was calm) but then I was the one having the eventual big meltdowns (because any time I tried to have healthy boundaries it lead to being accused of emotional avoidance).
So I guess what I’m getting at is, I have a hard time sorting out my own experience of these kinds of dynamics where what is expressed outwardly can be actually paradoxical to what is going on in the shadow. Like someone “appearing” to be emotionally expressive might actually still be emotionally repressed.
I still have a hard time knowing what’s true for me in that respect, just in terms of my own relationship with myself—not that the layers are being peeled back.
Do you have any thoughts or perspectives on what I just verbal diarrheaed?
my experience is that when we are conflict avoidant - we can make assumptions more easily about others emotions being “projections” etc - and it’s a really clever way of avoiding leaning into curiosity… I have this program myself
Yeah, I get that—I have only recently been able to actually start discerning what could be projection and what probably isn’t. Most of what we perceive is projection, though, so maybe that isn’t even the most important thing to focus on, I’m wondering.
My default before, however, was actually to take responsibility for much more than I was reasonably responsible for and assume the other person was always right, but that also created a different type of avoidance—or low capacity for messy conflict, anyway—because I wasn’t staying with myself… and my body and system therefore always feeling unsafe (being in a near constant state of self abandonment).
But what I’m realizing, from the reflection that your reply prompted in me—is that regardless of whether someone is projecting or not (and whether I am “right” or not about being able to discern if someone is projecting, or not), it doesn’t actually help relationally to focus on whether someone is projecting or not.
What matters most, is to start first with being in right relationship with myself—which allows me to approach the relationship with curiosity, as you pointed to being the important thing.
This is something I still struggle with still—staying in my own center and staying radically honest with myself, without becoming self abusive.
It is the most important thing I can work on right now that will help me in relating to others, because I can’t remain open—with boundaries—if I am starting from a position of self abandonment. Regardless of whether someone is projecting or not. And then I don’t have to discern or “know” whether someone is, or not.
So thanks for the comment, it actually helped me come back to remembering what is important, which allows me to see through the confusion I had.
this is the part: “it doesn’t actually help relationally to focus on whether someone is projecting or not”
boom
you’re absolutely right - that is the real work- staying in right with yourself - I have some ideas around that for you actually…
I’m all ears—thank you so much for this, it actually really helped me a lot.
I keep forgetting, and remembering, but the remembering is deepening.
I really appreciate these opportunities to remember, a lot!!
This takes personal responsibility to an entirely new level, I really appreciate this article. Thank you 🙏
pleasure
Explains to an even deeper degree, in a way I've not heard before, what occurred during my last marriage.