The secret to ending a relationship well.

What I had not done previously, in relationship, that has led to me holding on and enduring years worth of pain.

Hello loves,

This week’s essay is free, for all of you to read.

I tend to like to share my own personal heart shares with you. When I am creating a more educational post, with advice that I have paid for to learn, that is when I tend to only offer it to paid subscribers.

I am currently sitting at my local cafe, sipping coffee, having a child free moment (and breathe out), after a beautiful conversation, to close a relationship.

My body is soft, supple and open after 3 days of grief. I feel empty and yet, there is light within me - a glimmer of sun, after the storm.

I haven’t always felt like this after relationship… in fact, I would say, I have never felt like this after relationship.

I have always been left with empty unanswered questions, that have left me in a freeze response, questioning why the relationship ended… or leaving me with a sense of guilt of “what if I just did X differently….then perhaps it would have worked”

But, this relationship ending feels clean (I will share with you at the end, why - and what I did differently this time… so read on).

This one has been… in some ways, the hardest and the easiest, simultaneously.

How could that be possible, you ask?

It was hard, because I felt deep down that if I was able to invest the next few months in therapy, moving through some of my deeper attachment patterns, that there was a chance the relationship could have worked. Not even worked, but thrived. This relationship has met me in more ways any relationship has ever met me in the past. Similar values, similar capacity for depth, similar vision… BUT there were a few key fuck ups (big ones) and also, some old traumas resurfacing, in the mix.

When he decided to pack up his life, to come to move to Australia, to be with me, I felt my souls “yes”. What I didn’t account for, was a Plan B.

I haven’t ever lived with a partner for longer than a few months. Particularly a new partner. You’re all probably thinking, at this stage, der- of course it crashed and burned.

I mean, in hindsight, I am also questioning why I overlooked something so major (but this has been one of my biggest lessons - small doses, slow drips - not going all in). I thought I had learned this lesson in my last relationship… apparently not entirely.

I thought that this time, it was different. There were many core indicators for me that this relationship was feeling like it was going to be a healthy, thriving relationship. We spoke on the phone every day, in length (before he came to Australia) - this is a big thing for me as I usually HATE talking on the phone. We were both emotionally very available and there felt like there was a maturity in navigating challenging spaces - something that my last relationship lacked. We leaned in.

AND sometimes, there can be a deep and profound connection and the logical “hows” just don’t seem to add up.

Like - me living in Australia, with a 2 year old, establishing a coparenting routine, when he is based in Europe. Or the part where I was a lot further on and established in my career than he was (which doesn’t HAVE to be an issue, but it was for me). And the part where he wanted children - which, I am open to, but not sure about. There were a few little bits and pieces, which made me question, “what do I truly want”

Because it is easy enough to throw everything out the window, when a relationship FEELS incredible and opens you in all of the most beautiful ways. But, is love enough? This is the question that has been circulating for me, all week.

Here has been my internal dialogue around this…

When I am in grief, I realise, it is because I am in regret. I am asking myself “what if” and I am wondering if there is still a way around it all- whether it can still work. I feel like love has been lost.

When I am in this state, I gently remind myself, that love is never lost. It just comes around in another form, when I am ready.

In this instance, it is coming back to me in the form of self love. The ring that I had made, to signify my commitment to self union, arrived back to me in the mail today. I am reminded that I am already whole- that love can never truly be lost, even when it feels that way.

And here is what I did differently this time. Here is why it is possible for me to sit at a cafe, feeling open and in love with life, even though I have just been through tremendous heartbreak.

1. I felt it all the way through. Every part that hurt. I allowed myself to fully grieve it… this has ALWAYS been my process following break ups, by the way, but I wanted to include it as many people do not allow themselves to be consumed by grief, when the heart is cracking open and longing to be felt.

2. I understood the higher reasoning behind our connection together - the soul lessons and I gave thanks for who I am because of the relationship. I got out of the way of expecting that love needed to look a certain way, and instead accepted that love is a wild force with its own agenda and in THIS CASE, love wanted me to learn about myself. It wanted me to tear down the barriers of the mind that were protecting my heart. Because this relationship, opened my heart and showed me love in ways I have not experienced before. It met me in ways I haven’t been met before. And that simple reminder, is in itself, complete. It is a powerful reminder of what is available to me.

3. We had conversations that led to closure. We agreed that even though there was still love and potential there, we needed to close it cleanly and not leave any threads open - so that we could both heal (and heal the whole way through). This, was a breath of fresh air. So many times in the past, there has been a part of me (or the other) grasping and it’s so easy to just say “let’s see what the future holds”. It can be harder to close things off, in completeness, even when there are parts that don’t feel complete. It allows the grief process to move through in its entirety and it also stops the mind from wandering into “what if” visions, which I am SO guilty of. I feel so much relief in my body, even though my heart is breaking. We have agreed to not be in connection - this may end up being for good. There is an agreement that if anything really important needs to be spoken (for example, I am writing my next book in dedication to him and want to send him a copy) and when that’s the case, it is okay to reach out. But only then. It is honestly a breath of fresh air - I wish that I had done this in past relationships as it would have saved me a LOT of prolonged heartache.

In love (and heartbreak)

Sigourney X