Today I was lying down, getting my eyebrows laminated, when I started to drift off into a deep, liminal in between space.
I saw clouds open, and a ray of light shine down between them onto me.
It reminded me of the experience I had, working with one of my favourite clients, a few years ago, when she had just received her terminal illness diagoses: pancreatic cancer.
This client was one of my favourites.
She had done every training of mine. She was an enthusiastic learner. She was a deep diver. When she told me of her diagnosis, something inside of me sank.
But she did not want to give up. She was determined to fight it. She had been a fighter her entire life. And yet, something deep inside of her gave up when her son committed suicide. There was a deep grief within her, that she couldn’t locate.
I could feel it palpably, as though it was my own. She had a desire to be reignited with him. She felt a guilt that she outsurvived him. I can only imagine what this must feel like.
Every time I worked on her, after her diagnosis, I could feel it.
She was consciously telling me she wanted to live.
But I could feel the part of her, that did not. And I could never reconcile the two.
It was through my journey of treating her, up until death, that I learned that sometimes, our unconscious self and conscious selves do not and will not agree to the same path.
Every time I worked on her body, I could see her spirit longing to leave.
But consciously, she would turn up, every session, telling me she wanted to live.
The discrepancy still lives within me somatically, as a memory now.
She taught me that death has it’s own agenda for us. Spirit wants something for us, that perhaps, our consciousness cannot fully grasp.
Working with her, humbled me.
I have worked with so many clients at the time of their passing — most, who get to the point where they choose to leave.
I have learned to listen more deeply, beyond the words, beyond the desires we have.
Listening at the level of spirit is an immensely challenging gift. Because it puts our human selves out of control. And yet, when we surrender to spirit, there is a type of grace that touches us that is not there and cannot be accessed through human will alone.
I wish all people to know this about death.
By fighting against it, it makes the rite of passage challenging. If we allow love to carry us through the gates and doorways of light that death provides us with, it is the most beautiful doorway we will ever experience.
I have had this experience with clients as well. I actually asked someone one time if they wanted to live after receiving a terminal kidney disease diagnosis and they were able to honestly answer, no. It was remarkable. They went through the treatments and all the motions for their family and relationships, but in private we used the time to tend to their soul and prepare them to pass. We aren't meant to survive everything, we don't even have to fight it if we don't want to. Permission to surrender to death is a huge gift. And knowing what we feel as healers and guides is paramount to helping people navigate the process.
Standing at the doorway of grief for my grandmother’s impending passing now, your words heal and soothe a part of me I had not been able to articulate. Thank you.